I bring important news today, dear reader, of something exciting happening from next week.
In fairness, it probably won't change your life irreversibly, in the way that... say... a sex change (or gender transformation, as I believe the correct term is) operation would.
And it won't be the answer to all your financial worries either (should you, like me, still have a mortgage to pay and a sackful of Christmas presents to buy).
It won't un-pickle your liver after the rotten excesses of the twelfth month (Gregorian calendar); it won't find you a gorgeous / handsome bride / groom; it won't even mow the lawn, or put the rubbish out.
Nope, I'm afraid to say it won't do any of those things. Because I'm not a necromancer, but rather I'm a racing stats fan, and a devout data analyst of all things equine.
The upshot of all this is that what I have for you just might improve the bottom line on your betting exchange account.
In fact, my research has revealed some impressive inroads made in the infernal struggle between good and evil (where good is represented by my money, and evil by those with the temerity to match my exchange wagers!).
I'll reveal more as the week goes on. For now, let's just say that I think you'll be interested in the content, and I'm very hopeful you'll consider it affordable at what is a challenging and uncertain time financially for all of us.
Today's racing is typical midweek fare - not too much to get excited about.
At Lingfield, the opener looks an interesting AW bumper, with TTS - in fine form at the moment, illustrated by a lovely 12/1 winner yesterday - represented by Bolanderi and Toulaman. Although the entire field is unexposed, normal improvement from the latter should see him mix it at the finish.
Andy Turnell, trainer of the former, has a very impressive record at the track (hence his inclusion in TTS), and the betting will be instructive for the chances of his runner (he also has an outsider who looks to have been brought along for the experience, but a cursory review of the odds board is recommended, just in case).
In the second race, Divali Princess looks a penalty kick, albeit one in a quarter-final shootout involving England. She really ought to win.
They're a motley lot in the beginners' chase and, although Charlie Mann's stable is in white hot form, even money about a horse who has finished second or third six times over obstacles, and won only once, is not a punt I'm interested in.
In the 2.00, it is each way nirvana: a 1-2 favourite and the 'dead eight' meaning three places. Should this remain the case at post time, I can't see McCoy being out of the frame on Rebeccas Choice and, giving the encouragement the horse will get from the saddle, he could just overturn the jolly.
David Pipe's Thirtythreeblack steps up markedly in trip today and, if he's ever going to do anything as a racehorse, he needs to show improvement for the extra distance this afternoon. Pipe doesn't have too many 33/1 runners for David Johnson, so keep an eye out for this one. [It might well be his last start in the Johnson silks!]
In the handicap hurdle at 3.00, I can't for the life of me see why Osolomio is a 14/1 chance. He's got top weight because he has the best form; he has a decent 50% (2 from 4) strike rate over hurdles, finishing second on another occasion; and this is hardly the best race ever staged at the track. Surely, if the horse came from the King, O'Neill or Nicholls stable, he would be a 7/2 shot, despite it being his seasonal debut today. Each way a pleasure.
Over at Sedgefield, probably the best horse running today makes his fencing debut. Chief Dan George, such a great stick for the Moffatt yard two seasons ago, has to demonstrate rekindled enthusiasm for the game after a lacklustre season last year.
I have to concede a soft spot for this horse, who made it into all my ten to follow lists last year (and scored me no points!), and I hope he wins today. I won't be betting him so to do though.
In the 2.20, Stormy Beech, a battle hardened (wearied?) four time winner round Sedgefield, has a great chance of making the frame, and looks a sporting each way ticket.
Meanwhile, over at Southwell, Julia's doughty plodder (no, not Night Orbit - her other doughty plodder), Bavarica will be attempting to win for the fourth time, and the second time for her son, Ross.
Much more likely is that Bavarica will cruise into the race, find nothing, and finish second or third, as he has done on an incredible FOURTEEN of his 29 AW starts (two wins as well means he's better than even money for a place!). Go Ross!
I'm against Kinigi in the 1.10, who had all over Jamie Spencer's brilliance and power shoved up him when he got up on the line last time (I'd laid him, natch!). Whilst Andrea Atzeni is a promising lad, he doesn't have the push and shove of a Spencer in full tilt.
In the 2.40, Shiwawa is a very interesting runner from Alan Swinbank's crack bumper squad, this time having a pop at a perfectly winnable maiden. Barring major improvement from Tony Martin's Irish raider (curious entry this, to say the least), Shiwawa looks way too good on what he's done on turf. A smooth transition to the poly should suffice.
Me Fein will love the return to AW (3 from 5 on the surface, wins in fields of 12, 13 and 16; versus beating just four of 83 (!) opponents in turf races). He's the one to be interested in what is ostensibly an open affair.
Finally, I'll be against last time out winner Efisio Princess who, despite the best of the weights, may not get an ideal run through from the 1 box.
Good luck on whatever your fancies are today, and look out for further announcements regarding next Monday.